This has been the day from Hell. I have written about my alcohol abuse and potential for relapse. I have been dry for 4 years and 4 months, tomorrow. I continue to have cravings and my cravings have really come to a head recently.
I had mentally relapsed already--fantasizing about drinking and even going as far as trying to figure out how to beat the system with my drug screens. This weekend I had taken it a step further and went to the ABC store. It was almost a dissociative state move and it felt as though my body was on auto pilot and I was checked out. It was Thursday night and I was off the next few days; so, the plan was to wake up at 4 am and check in to see if I was to be drug tested on Friday; if not, have a drink of vodka and tea. I normally like a drink called a Sea Breeze, which has grapefruit juice; cranberry juice; and vodka. I did not have cranberry and grapefruit juice on hand, so a favorite tea would have to do. I woke up a little late at closer to 5:30 am and checked in. No test. Perfect. I was rather sleepy yet still wanted a drink; I knew if I did not drink then, there would be no way to beat the test as an ethyl G urine drug screen can detect alcohol up to 80 hours, sometimes even 5 days in rare cases.
I did not want to relapse, but I wanted a drink. I have not drank in almost 4 years and 4 months and it is an accomplishment for me; but the cravings and desire are still there. I just laid there thinking of what I had accomplished both personally and professionally--I had a great job that I love; I had my own house; and I was satisfied with life. I also reminded myself that I had an appointment with a psychiatrist for medications to help my cravings in a few days and if I could just hold on a little longer, everything would be okay. I was so close.
In addition, I was tired and I was reminded of time back during my drinking days when I waited until my parents were asleep; went downstairs, and poured me a red solo cup full of whiskey and drank it straight. I was sleepy after and went back to bed. I woke up laying in vomit. I have been sleeping in my guest bedroom, which my mom had bought the bedroom set for me as a housewarming gift. I could not imagine destroying it with vomit.
I decided to go back to sleep and to just smoke when I woke up in place of the drinking. Smoking does not alleviate my cravings for alcohol by any means; however, it has helped my anxiety dramatically.
When I woke up, I felt proud of myself that I was able to work through my near relapse and even shared my victory with a close co-worker of mine. My co-worker sent me back a 'good girl'. It helps to have a support system and I have a few co-workers in recovery that their support has been priceless.
I ended up going through this whole staving off relapse on Saturday, as well.
Flash forward to today. I had an appointment with a psychiatrist this morning. I showed up only to find out the appointment was cancelled due to insurance reasons. This office is within network and there should not have been a problem. The receptionist seems to have no understanding the difference between insurance and a health savings account or understanding of being within network, a co-pay and submitting the claim to insurance. I was supposed to come back at the end of the day; and between the morning and end of the day, get everything sorted out with insurance. My insurance re-affirmed what my understanding of everything is and I tried to explain that to the receptionist. The receptionist told me I was getting irritated and that she did not think I would be a good fit for their business and to go elsewhere.
Here I am back at square one with alcohol cravings, no medication for the cravings, and no appointment to get medication lined up. Unfortunately, I have moments where I almost think relapsing/letting go and taking my chances with HPMP and the Virginia Board of Nursing may be easier than to keep fighting/hanging on. What happens next, I have no idea.
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