Prologue
During the summer between seventh and eighth grade, June 2001, I started having seizures. I was hospitalized and had several tests and scans done.The neurologists could not figure out the cause, but I continued to have seizures. I was flown to Wake Forest Hospital in Winston-Salem, North Carolina for further testing. After a cause could not be found, I was placed on a pediatric/adolescent psychiatric unit to see if the cause was psychological. This was my first encounter with the mental health system. I was interviewed and given the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory Adolescent edition (MMPI-A). I was never told the results of the MMPI-A. One day, many years later; my mom told me that they had suspected that I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I was too young to be diagnosed with BPD (a person has to be at least 18 years old to be formally diagnosed with a personality disorder; I was 13), so the diagnosis was never officially made. I returned home and continued to have seizures. In the fall of 2001, I was placed on Depakote, which stopped the seizures. My life went back to normal through the remainder of middle and high school.
I started college at King College in the fall of 2005. The first couple of years or so were pretty normal. In the fall of 2007, or around that time, I started getting depressed; had trouble sleeping; started drinking more (I had drank before that); and cutting myself. It got to the point where my physician if I would like to/needed to go in-patient as he was at a loss at what else he could do to help me. I had already been prescribed antidepressants, anxiolytic; and medication to help with sleep to no avail. I voluntarily checked myself in to the local psychiatric hospital. The psychiatrist did not think there was anything wrong with me. After being there for a few days, I was discharged without a diagnosis. I continued to have depression and other psychiatric symptoms. I decided it might help if I switched schools. I went to Sweet Briar College in the spring of 2009. One night, towards the end of the semester, I got extremely drunk. I ended up in the intensive care unit (ICU) for a couple of days. When I got out of the hospital, the dean requested that I meet with her. She thought that I needed to get some treatment to help with the drinking. I made the excuse that the reason I got extremely ill from drinking is because I had seizures and that I had a lower seizure threshold than other people. I was upset that she suggested that I might have had a drinking problem and that she was even interfering in my life as I was 22 years old and legal to drink. I decided to return to King College and go into nursing. Nursing was my third, and last, major. It was the fall of my senior year that the events occurred that led to my diagnosis, and treatment, and would change my life forever.
The Incident
It was the first semester of my last year in college--October 2011, to be exact. I was sitting in the library working on one of the many things I had to get done for nursing school. I was exhausted--physically, mentally, and emotionally. I decided that I had had enough and I wanted to die. I packed up my school work and went home. When I got home, I put some books in a duffle bag and told my mom that I was going to study at a friend's house. I had no intentions on studying with a friend. I had planned on driving to North Carolina to commit suicide. I had always thought North Carolina was a pretty state when I used to visit my brother when he lived there. I had decided that I was going to get intoxicated and suffocate myself.
I drove to Walmart and bought a box of wine, beer, cups, and some duct tape. When I was checking out, the cashier had made a comment that I must be going to have a wild night. I thought to myself 'you have no idea that it is to commit suicide with'. I just told him "yeah". I went to the ABC store after that and bought vodka. When I was done, I got on the interstate.
I made it to Wytheville, Virginia; then, it started getting dark and I really couldn't see as well. I pulled off of the exit and started looking for a hotel. When I was looking, I started noting where things were. I had passed the hospital and I had thought 'that is where I will be taken if I survive; if I complete it, it will be the morgue'. For a brief moment, I had even considered going to the emergency room and telling them that I was suicidal. I decided against it as I truly wanted to die. I found a hotel and checked in. I took the books out of my bag and put the alcohol and duct tape in it. When I got in the room, I poured the vodka and wine into cups and started drinking. After a few minutes, I started feeling the effects and vomiting. At that point, I took the duct tape out. I put a plastic bag over my head and started wrapping the duct tape as tight as I could around my head. There was this little voice begging me to 'Please stop. You are going to be a nurse'. I realized that if I didn't get the duct tape off soon, and I survived, I would most likely be in a vegetative state and never be a nurse.
I went to the desk and made a cutting motion to cut the tape off. It was about that time that things got a little unclear in my memory. I think I might have passed out. I know the tape was cut, an ambulance came, and I ended up in the emergency room. There was an officer from the police/sheriff's office that asked me questions as they thought it was an attempted homicide. I told them that it was a suicide attempt and I needed help. I started crying.
I spent a couple of days in ICU. After that, I was transferred to a psychiatric unit on a temporary detention order (TDO)/72 hour hold/involuntary commit. My entering diagnosis was Major Depressive Disorder. The psychiatrist at the psychiatric facility could not figure out what was wrong with me within the three days. At the end of the three days, a court hearing was held. The psychiatrist wanted to extend my stay to try and figure out what was wrong. I wanted to go home as I was going to fail my classes if I missed too much school. The decision was to release me, but I was court ordered for outpatient treatment and if I broke the order, I would be put back into the hospital.
After I went home, I still was somewhat suicidal; had visual hallucinations; didn't sleep because of racing thoughts; I was irritable; impulsive; and cried easily. I complied with the order and went to outpatient treatment. I went through a community service board; the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder I. It was about the time to apply for my nursing license and that was the diagnosis that went on my application. My psychiatrist had to write a letter to the Board of Nursing prior to the Board of Nursing approving my application. That psychiatrist ended up retiring right after my application was put in. I received a new psychiatrist and he did not think I had Bipolar Disorder I. He thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder. This was the diagnosis that was put in the letter to the Board of Nursing (and subsequent board order) for my nursing license. Therefore, after this diagnosis, I didn't care if any other psychiatrist thought I had something else. Borderline Personality Disorder is what I tell people I have.
Road to Recovery
Early in my recovery, I was on medication. It was the same medication I was on for seizures as Depakote is also used as a psychiatric medication. I was also in counseling. As my diagnosis changed, the counseling is what ultimately stuck. To date, I have been in counseling for over four years; however, I am at a point where I am stable enough to not have to go to counseling as often and even have periods I do not go at all.
In addition to counseling and medication, I worked on art projects to preoccupy myself and as a creative outlet to express myself. Once I finished school, I made sure to keep myself busy with volunteering, small jobs until I found a nursing job, and doing things that would help me move in the direction of recovery, including going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
I had both a planner and a white board to keep track of my schedule; if I told someone I would do something, I made sure I followed through whether I wanted to or not; and I planned for the future, but lived my life one day at a time...and still live like this.
Now, I use countdowns and count ups to keep track of how long I have been working as a nurse; how long I have been at my job; how much longer I have in the Health Practitioners' Monitoring Program; and how long until I start my PRN job. It helps me visualize how long I have been at a given project and the longer I have been working on something, I do not want to ruin it with relapse.
Besides actual activities and routines that I have gotten myself into; there were a few things I had realize in order to actually move into the direction of recovery. First, I had to realize that if I stayed in the cycle I was in that I was always going to be unhappy or I could possibly end up in one of four situations: in an institution of sorts (mental hospital or nursing home, if I severely injured myself); jail; homeless; or dead. I had to want to change. Second, I had to figure out what I wanted out of life and what my goals were. I knew I wanted to be a nurse and have a successful career; I wanted to move out of my parents' house and have my own place; perhaps, get married and have children. On a grander scale, I wanted to change my community for the better. The final thing I had to realize is one of the most important--that having a highly stigmatized mental health condition, such as BPD, does not mean I can't have a good career and life. If I wanted to do something, I could.
Finding NAMI
I am the type that if I am diagnosed with an illness, I will be very proactive and look for ways to have a support system (outside of family); educate people about my illness; and advocate for myself and others. So, that is what I did in the fall of 2012. I looked online and came across National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Virginia's website. I originally wanted to be trained to teach Peer-to-Peer; however, I did not have an affiliate in my area. I was told that a good starting point would be to be trained in NAMI Connection, which is the peer support group. I was trained in March 2013 in NAMI Connection facilitation and facilitated a group up until I moved to where I live now. I did go on to be trained in Peer-to-Peer facilitation. In addition, my involvement in NAMI Virginia as a young adult led Amanda Long, a coordinator in the youth and young adult programs with NAMI Virginia, to asking me to be on a youth advisory board. This board turned into Youth MOVE Virginia. My involvement with Youth MOVE Virginia has been a continuous source of pride for me.
Board Challenges
I went on to graduate college in May 2012, after being in college for seven years. From May-August 2012, I had worked as a summer VISTA associate in an Americorps program while awaiting a decision about my nursing license. I was given a chance at getting my nursing license if I agreed to enter the aforementioned Health Practitioners' Monitoring Program (HPMP). I agreed and a board order was written up. I received my authorization to test in August 2012 and took NCLEX on September 12. I passed the first time and received my license eight days later on September 20, 2012.
In 2006, I had taken a pharmacy technician course and became certified as a pharmacy technician. I never registered it with the Virginia Board of Pharmacy as I lived on the state line (Virginia and Tennessee) and did not know which state I would find a job in. Since I knew what state I would be living in and that I held a nursing license in Virginia, I decided I would get licensed as a pharmacy technician in Virginia. I submitted my application with the same letter used to license with the Board of Nursing. I received a denial of pharmacy technician licensure due to mental illness. My parents told me to let it go because I was a nurse and a pharmacy technician license did not matter anymore. I did not let it go because I tested for my certification and did well; I deserved my license. Plus, I wanted to have a side job as a pharmacy technician just to keep up with new medications and learn any medications I did not already know as a nurse to help give better nursing care. I appealed the decision in a letter before a Board of Pharmacy committee. I had the decision overturned and I received my pharmacy technician license. I have since let my pharmacy technician license go; but, I don't regret challenging the decision. If anything, I hope it helps others that have a mental health condition and want to go into the healthcare field realize they can get licensed if they want and do not accept 'no' for an answer.
I have had very minor things successes getting things changed. I have done a petition for rule making with the Board of Nursing before and had "state and government agencies" added to the list of providers that can count as offering educational programming relevant to the practice of nursing for license renewal. For example, the Department of Criminal Justice Services will sometimes offer Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST) and the Department of Behavioral Health and Developmental Services, as well as grant funding from the Department of Health, will offer ASIST and Mental Health First Aid training. These trainings offer hours towards license renewal, but in the past it was only for social work, even though the skills learned are used in nursing, too.
I have also been able to get psychologists added to healthcare professionals who can fill out the psychiatry section of the medical form for the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV). I wrote to Senator Bill Carrico, my district senator at the time, and explained my situation and what I wanted changed in the Code. Licensed Clinical Social Workers are still not allowed to fill out the forms; however, psychologists were added.
Currently, I am working on trying to get board orders kept private unless a healthcare professional actually does something, due to their illness, that poses a safety risk to patients. In Virginia's Code (the law), there are sections with clauses that make board orders public (54.1-2400.2G and H). This will be a battle, but I am willing to try to get it changed.
Accomplishing Goals and Realizing Dreams
I received an offer for and started my first nursing job exactly two years to the day I graduated from nursing school. It was a medical surgical position but the units I worked were designated sepsis on one side and neurology/orthopedics on the other side. It was great experience and I found that I really liked working with stroke and neurology patients the best.
About two months into having my nursing job, I decided I wanted to move out of my parents' house and got my first apartment. It was really nice having my own place and living by my own rules. In addition, I started to see myself as separate from my parents and started creating my own life, which included going to see friends and participating in activities in Richmond and other cities/towns in Virginia.
A little over six months later, I found myself at the point where I wanted to move to a bigger area and potentially grow my nursing career. I was originally going to move to Richmond as I have friends in Richmond; however, I consider myself very family oriented and Richmond was several hours from where my parents lived. I decided that I would move in between where my parents lived and Richmond, yet I wanted a big area. That is how I ended up in Roanoke. It was a happy medium between the two and I could go one way to see friends or the other to see family. I found a job on a progressive care unit, which is an intermediate unit between medical surgical and ICU, and signed a lease for my second apartment. I loved my second apartment, but I really wanted a house as I did not get a home feel from my apartment. I saved as much money as I could and after six months of living in my apartment, I started looking for a house. I found a house that I really love and closed on it at the beginning of November 2015.
It felt like, and still feels like, a dream come true. I had wanted this for a long time and I had finally made it.
At the end of November 2015, I was able to accomplish another one of my goals of obtaining a psychiatric and detox nursing position. It is a PRN position and I will start mid February 2016. I love having the balance between the medical and psychiatric aspects of nursing.
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