Easing Anxiety: The Decision to Smoke

I have always been an incredibly anxious person. This anxiety led to so much irritability and unhappiness. I have a long history of attempts to treat my psychiatric issues to no avail at this point; this includes taking medication. I have taken a medication called Buspar, in the past, for anxiety. I did not feel like it helped. I felt like externally, I looked cool, calm, and collective; however, on the inside, I felt like a trainwreck. I have never been prescribed any benzodiazepine due to substance abuse. It ended up being for the best because being in HPMP, I cannot taken any controlled medication and still actively work as a nurse. So, my anxiety continued and I was left with my poor coping skills.

I started to entertain the idea of smoking cigarettes. I never thought I would be a smoker. However, I got to the point where I was craving alcohol so bad (physical cravings and missing the relaxation and peace it gave me) I really thought I would relapse. I have 13 months left out of a 60 month contract with HPMP. I have spent so much money on therapy appointments, drug screens, intake assessments, etc. I initially contacted the Virginia Board of Nursing with hopes I could appeal to the Board to get out of HPMP early (HPMP had already said no themselves), so I could go back to drinking. I did not tell the Board staff that, by the way; that was just my reasoning behind trying to get out early. After I found out the only way 'to get out of HPMP early' was to resign and go before the Board (and most likely get my nursing license suspended); I decided it was not worth it.

That is when I decided that I would start smoking. I have not smoked long at all, but I have found that my usual amount of smoking is around a 1/2 pack to 3/4 pack a day. Smoking has eased my anxiety in ways Buspar and counseling never could. Plus, my appetite has decreased drastically and I am slowly losing weight.

I am still working on finding a psychiatrist to be able to get medication for depression and the alcohol cravings. I made a couple calls today, so I will wait and see what happens. I want to try Campral for the alcohol cravings. I originally planned to just smoke for 13 months until I was done with HPMP, but I truly find smoking helpful and most likely won't quit after HPMP.