The Fear of Homelessness

NOTE: This post makes me feel incredibly vulnerable; however, this is an issue I have been trying to work through for a long time without any resolve.

It is questionable on working out at my PRN job due to inability to meet the required shifts in a pay period or month due to the Virginia Health Practitioners' Monitoring Program telling me I have to cease practice. I called my case manager a few times today and when I did not get a response, I sent her an email.

   '...I have to work two jobs...if the second job was in Richmond, do you think it would be approved?  
                  If not, any ideas of mental health jobs in Richmond that do not require a license?'

My family and co-workers ask me why I am working two jobs. I give the answers of liking the balance of medical and psychiatry; it keeps my mind off my dad's passing; and when I am feeling more honest than usual, I give the answer of I like to have a second job just in case something happens with one job and I leave it at that.

All three answers are true; but, the latter is more honest. You see, I have a huge fear of being homeless. I have had this fear for a long time. I have shared it with one or two other people to which I get the response of ' you won't be homeless, you can go live with your parents.' 

Oh, no. I wouldn't think of moving in with my mom or brother. It is not that I do not love them, it is just that it is not their responsibility to provide anything for me...and so I continued on with this intense fear. It became so intense at one point that I had decided that I would, in a controlled manner, become homeless to face my fear.

While working the first two months in Richmond, I slept in my car and I bought a pass to and showered at a swimming facility. I used the library for the internet and to charge my phone. I ate at restaurants when I was hungry and passed the down time during the day by going to the park or window shopping in Short Pump. I did not have to think of where to wash my clothes because by the time I ran out of clothes, it was time to go home. I would have just washed my clothes at a laundry mat if I needed to.

I started to feel a little better and not as afraid of homelessness as I was previously; however, I still have this fear and I do realize that I was only 'homeless' for half the week and had a house to come home to. I also realize that it is a completely different when a person is homeless and does not have income at all, which is why the fear of being homeless has not completely gone away.

In addition, during my time of sleeping in my car; my sleep quality was not always the best as I was afraid the police would tell me I could not sleep in my car and I would get in legal trouble. I was also afraid of someone breaking into my car and hurting me; or of my phone dying and oversleeping and someone finding out I was sleeping and living out of my car.

Other than taking a nap during my lunch break at work, I do not sleep in my car anymore. I stay at a retreat center during my time in Richmond now. I am starting back into counseling at the end of June and I am hoping that along with my grief regarding my dad's passing; I can work through some of my fears and anxiety.