Relapse Potential

My co-worker was holding her Reflections group last night as usual before the patients headed to their rooms for bed. The discussion topic was focused on the bad outcomes of their using and drinking. My co-worker mentioned to the patients about her history of drinking and the most embarrassing thing she had done while drunk.

                                      'This is the person I need to talk to.' I thought.

I have been struggling with thoughts of drinking--I have had them since I have been in the Health Practitioners' Monitoring Program; however, lately, it is getting worse.

               '"...Can I get your phone number before you leave tonight?"' I asked my co-worker.
                                         '"Sure...Did I do something wrong?"' she asked.

Our patients had went to their rooms and aside from one other co-worker of ours, we were alone. I quietly explained my situation and that I really feel like I am going to relapse soon.

               '"I am dry, not sober. I am literally counting down the days until I am out of HPMP,
                                                      so I can drink again."' I explained.
                                    ""Mentally, you have already relapsed."' she told me.

I went on to tell her that AA meetings are not for me due to being focused on a higher power and gratitude and if a person works the steps, then the desire to drink goes away. I have an amazing life--I have family that I am close to; I have my own house, clothes on my back, food on the table, and three sweet cats that adore me; and I have a career that I absolutely love. I do not want for anything and I am grateful beyond belief; yet I still want to drink.

            '"I physiologically crave alcohol. I have not drank in 4 years and I still crave alcohol.
                                                   Is that even possible?"' I ask.
                                                           '"Yes."' she replied.

In addition to the physical craving of alcohol years after, we discussed my fears. As my time in HPMP comes closer to an end, I become more excited; however, I can walk by the ABC store now and talk myself down by thinking of my nursing license and how all it takes is getting drug screened the next day or after the weekend to put my nursing license in jeopardy (although I have tried to calculate the number of hours from if I drank to I would have to test when I was getting a particularly strong craving for alcohol. Alcohol can be detected in blood for up to 24 hours; up to 72 hours in a urine drug screen). Once I am out of HPMP, I do not know if I will be able to do that because I will not have to do any more drug screens. I can drink as much alcohol as I would like and as long as I do not show up to work intoxicated, no one will know. I hate that mentality because I have a fear that with that mentality I am going to eventually get a DUI or do something that will hurt myself or someone else but I want to drink again. I said it, I want to drink again. Between that and the mouth watering I get when thinking about alcohol, the relapse potential is strong.

I also discussed my fear/feeling of being destined for jail, homelessness, or suicide. I have a fear of all of it, even the latter. Since my dad passed it is harder to get rid of suicidal thoughts; between my love of alcohol and the longing to see my dad again, suicide would be too easy with alcohol. My co-worker understood; she used to get those feelings, too.

We came up with a plan. She taught me to write down a bad decision I am contemplating and next to it, write all the possible bad outcomes from the decision. We are also going to keep in touch outside of work and she is going to take me to some of the meetings at her home group. I asked her to be my sponsor, she agreed.

I hope I can come up with a workable solution before I relapse, whether it be solely counseling and AA meetings/sponsorship or if I have to get medications, in addition.