Virginia Health Practitioners' Monitoring Program and Going on Anti-Depressants

The point in time has come that keeping myself distracted with work, a new house, and various other activities to the point of exhaustion no longer works and the unimaginable emotional pain and grief depression from losing a parent comes crashing down.

I had been working so much and started becoming physically fatigued. As an act of self care, I took some PTO time at work and went to Youth MOVE Virginia's Family and Youth Summit to meet up with friends and be involved with my beloved cause of mental health. During that weekend is when it hit me--flashbacks, the cruel reminders of my dad being dead. I did not really have much time before to think about him being gone and then I did and these thoughts continued to play in my mind.

This crippling depression came over me--the constant fatigue, the embarrassing crying spells at random times in public places, the call ins at work because I just could not be the nurse those days my patients needed from me, and the loss of interest in doing anything. I can't climb out of this myself and know I need anti-depressants and grief counseling but I did not know if it would affect my participation in Virginia HPMP (I do not want a longer contract and I do not want my jobs taken away from me). I called HPMP and explained. HPMP is okay with participants going on anti- depressants or other psych medications as long as the medication is not one that impairs a participants ability to practice (i.e. Xanax, Ativan, or any other controlled medication) and they are okay with people going back into counseling after they have stopped counseling. I had been afraid they would look at it as I was going backward and not forward. Actually, it is the opposite. They would much prefer participants to go into counseling and on medication than to end up relapsing.

I also told my mom that I can't deal with my dad's death anymore--time was making the pain worse rather than better. She understood and agreed. I was upfront with her and told her of my plans to go back on anti-depressants (I have not taken any psych medications in years). She agreed that it might be for the best for now and wanted me to come visit her to get away and have family support. I went to see her for a night. It helped a little. I still need counseling and anti-depressants.

I don't plan on being on anti-depressants forever, just until I can learn to cope with my dad's death.